I am committed to making my 49th year funner. I mean I already have a lot of fun but this year is going to be more than just my normal daily fun. I probably have more fun than someone should at my old age, but that’s okay. When I die, I will be able to say, I SAID YES, I HAD FUN. I refuse to let my numeric age get in the way of fun but there is that one thing that really puts a damper on your fun and that’s the obligatory COLONOSCOPY. Yup that’s what I did today. The whole experience is just the antithesis of FUN.
STEP 1: The day before
The lead in to this thing is just awful. You know whats coming, you know what’s coming out – although I think you may be quite surprised. It’s like a bomb waiting to explode – literally! Worse yet, you can’t eat or drink alcohol the WHOLE day before. Oh, I’m sorry you can have any kind of Jello that is not red, orange or purple which leaves… lemon lime – well that sounds good – the old lemon lime jello – best seller. I’m convinced that Jello went to the docs and said “hey, no one likes lemon lime jello. Can you please tell your patients that it’s the only kind that they can have. We will give you a year supply of Jello if you do.”
STEP 2: The PREP
When you have a big glass of wine… you know that when you are done, you are going to feel really good and even better after the whole bottle. With this horrific tasting potion, you are drinking it knowing that you are going to be in hell when you are done – not a lot of incentive. Here is a picture of it.
Okay, let me get this straight. We are sending a group of people to MARS (the planet) to set up a colony and they haven’t figured out a way to make a pill that cleans out your colon? I mean there is a pill that gives you an erection for 4 hours – REALLY? It can’t be that difficult. Just an idea to any starving scientists out there – start working on this – SHARK TANK would eat it up!
STEP 3: Let’s Skip That Part
I’m pretty sure we all get the picture that what goes IN must come OUT.
STEP 4: The Procedure
Just awkward starting with the waiting room… “Hey what did you do last night?” ”Well I was up shitting my brains out.. and You?” Then off to meet the doctor who you kind of look at and go… hmm so you went to medical school and you could have been any number of doctor types – radiologist, derm or plastic surgeon and you choose this? why? are you mentally stable? and are you going to laugh at my ass? Then, the heavens open and your dear, dear friend the anesthesiologist shows up and all is good and all is FUN again!
So my 49 forever continues – I know that I will have more fun to share in the coming months (and years… when I say forever, I mean it.)
My favorite FUN story… My college friend in an interview after grad school with a bitchy woman – the kind with a big corporate chip on her shoulder:
BITCH: ” So I see you did very well in graduate school but I’m concerned about your grades in undergrad. What happened there?”
FRIEND: ” Well I had a lot of FUN in undergrad”
BITCH: ” HMMM, I had a lot of fun in undergrad too, but I still got good grades”
FRIEND: “Yeah, well I’m pretty sure I had more FUN”
HAVE MORE FUN
Sorry I’m a bit late in my report on the Academy Awards – I just woke up. It bored me into a deep sleep and I had a dream… a really bad one. Bad jokes, soap box speeches from randoms, that guy from Grease caressing some little girl’s face, Dougie Houser M.D. in his underwear, something about Gweneth and Pepto Bismol and the worst part of all, my husband (in all dreams) Adam Levine left me for a really tall elf… WHY?
In summary. The dresses were so-so.
Here are my categories for the 2015 Academy Awards…
BEST HAIRS (plural as though I’m still in Wisconsin)
Very cool and not traditional which is OKAY! Giulana Rancic made fun of her hair.
Dear Guliana, frail little girls who live in teenie tiny glass houses should not throw stones that weigh more than they do!
Gaga – here and just every single day- yeah she can sing and she somehow snagged this hottie because he is blind – I think or maybe I just assumed that.
Dude! What are we missing? Are you a complete loser in a hot guy’s body?
CHEERS – read it and laugh and pass it on!
P.S. i don’t know about you, but if I had tears rushing down my cheeks, and I knew I was on camera, I would probably wipe them on my Tux sleeve. UNLESS… I wanted everyone to see me crying cause “hey, I’m not like the rest of these whities, I’m with you brothers. I’m so pissed that Selma got shut out.” Chris Pine – “TRYHARD” – stay tuned for my next blog about TRYHARDS.
My overall thoughts for the GLOBES…
Clearly the “globes” were a big hit. Jeremy Renner is getting criticized for cracking on JoLo about her cleavage – really? Just because you can’t see the nipple – it’s still your entire BOOB! A carrot anyone… Julianna? oh wait aliens don’t eat carrots I forgot. Savannah and Matt – AWKWARD on the Red Carpet – like Mom and Dad at the prom. Little House on The Prairie starring Kiera Knightly. Violet is perfect for Easter Eggs – not hair- Kelly Osborne – we are way over it! Amal – wow you seem like a TON O FUN – I want to party with you. Kate Hudson – something WHITE trashy as usual. Matthew – MOVEMBER is OVER- trim that thing back. Katherine Heigl – you are not a happy person – I don’t think that oiling your chest is going to change that. Channing Tatum – bad gum chewing – you are way too cute for that (I’d still have sex with you FYI). Naomi – red lipstick is best on your lips – not your teeth- where is your handler when you need her? Ryan Seacrest – job number 1,000… fashion designer for small men.
just jaw dropping in the what the fuck kind of way
I just ran out of time
funny girl with laughable hair (still love you)
Happy New Year – CHEERS!
When I first moved to the burbs I was invited to a holiday lunch – I did not know what to expect. First off, what to wear?? Well, we will ALL be coming from work so I put on my cutest black pant suit and kicked it up with a little scarf around the neck (think flight attendant). I show up, hostess gift in toe and what I walked into was really something! Lots of ladies milling about drinking tea and wearing Christmas sweaters (not as a joke!) I soon realized that no one worked which hmmm okay that can be a good thing – bring on the cocktails… I had a feeling I was going to need ALOT to get through this afternoon. After lunch we were directed into the living room which had been turned into a stage area and I prayed that we were not going to have to sit through some children’s play or sing Christmas carols or introduce ourselves and reflect on the year. Hoping that my beeper would go off with some work emergency, I took my spot in the front row because the back row was full of those who had been to this before. Imagine my surprise when a woman appeared in colonial attire and proceeded to give a singing book review. Okay people, is this some sort of initiation into suburbia? Am I on candid camera?
Women like like to gather. They make elaborate plans to find a way to get together and drink without feeling guilty. Guys just say “hey dudes, let’s go have beers!” No formal invite, no elaborate plan, no never ending group texts, no what are you wearing, no hostess gifts – they all show up drink some beer, talk about sports and call it a night. Women have to make shit up like “book club”, “bunco”, whatever that other bunco thing is that people talk about as though you know what it is – Mahjong? Why do you think that everyone has heard of this game? Poker yes. Mahjong – Nope! Then there are the real trouble makers with their “bible study”, “knitting club” and “play group” – I do not want to know what goes on at those.
Oddly, I have never been invited to ANY of the above gatherings – RUDE! But this year, I was invited to a cookie exchange. FYI there are rules to these exchanges and you do not want to fuck up or you will be taken off the invite list. One women didn’t get the concept so she was sampling all of the cookies – she’s a Cookie Rookie. Then there are the No Bakey, No Takey (they show up with NO cookies cause they are super duper busy!) I mean I can understand that person if you don’t have an oven or if you just got out of the hospital but really you can’t make some cookies and at least pretend that you are there to do something other than drink? I have 12 jobs and have been hungover since…(I’m not sure of the exact date but sometime in 2012) and I managed to throw something together – shameful! I left before everyone got drunk and started eating bites of cookies and then putting them back … but I heard who did it!
Enjoy the holidays! Thanks for all of the positive feedback on the blog.
Cheers to 2015!