GIVING

December 12, 2014 | Laura Schoch | Featured

The season of gift shopping is upon us and with it comes a few of my all time worst pet peeves… The first, “You are so hard to buy for” (in a extremely annoying whinny voice) what I hear you saying is this this, “I am lazy and I don’t feel like spending 1 minute thinking of a gift to get you.”  And then you are going to complain to ME about how hard it is on YOU to shop for ME!  I would really prefer NOT getting a gift from you because it’s going to suck.

The grandparents are classic for this one.  ”I don’t know what to get your kids” so they start bugging me to do their shopping after I am ALL done with mine.  REALLY?  You don’t have time in between napping, eating and whatever else you do in your 24 HOUR day?   Here’s a little secret,  kids have very detailed Christmas lists.  Call them up and ask them what they want, go buy it and wrap it up.  What’s so difficult?  I had my kids sign up for christmaswishlist.net – it’s great – like a wedding registry.  They load in things they want and the buyer just has to click on the link and order it.

The other pet peeve are the ingrates.  You know, those who don’t acknowledge the gifts they got from you.  No thank you note, no call, not even a quick text.  This year I am taking those people OFF of my Christmas giving list.  I don’t care that it’s not in the spirit of Christmas because we all know what the true meaning of Christmas is… The birth of Jesus. I may just send them this hat I bought… as a joke of course.
hbday

I enjoy shopping for people.  I love to find a creative or thoughtful gift.   Here are a few out of the box gift ideas…

1. Have your kids burn a fun playlist for the grandparents with some current music (that they would like).  They can play it in their car on the way to Costco for lunch.

2. IPHOTO photo book – you can make a great coffee table book with pictures of the family.  It’s very easy to do and is better than a scrap book!

3. The gift of scent.  Giving perfume is difficult because it is so personal. So go to Neimans and get a bunch of samples and a gift card.  They can try the scents and then go buy the one they like best!

4. College kids love to eat!  Get them a gift card to a great restaurant in their college town – they can treat a friend.

5. Got a live music fan?  Ticketmaster has gift cards !  They can also be used for sporting events!

Happy Holidays – CHEERS!

If you are interested in a great gift for yourself…. CLICK HERE

 

 

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THANKSGIVING

November 26, 2014 | Laura Schoch | Featured

turkey

This is MY FRONT yard.  My husband collects these embarrassing things to fuck with me.  I begged him not to put this out this year.  I bribed him with lots of things (yes that) and also (THAT) – nothing worked.  He is Clark W. Griswold and for better or for worse he is all mine.

The silver lining is that I first started blogging when I was forced to go on the family RV trip to hell.  If you missed me from the beginning, I click the link and be THANKFUL that you did not have to go on this trip.  CLICK HERE FOR TRIP TO HELL and read all of the July posts.

Happy Thanksgiving.  I’m thankful that you keep reading and forwarding on!

Cheers.

P.S. I’m hosting 35 for Thanksgiving dinner.  Some great potential blogs could be brewing especially if a certain someone shows up in their CROCS!

 

 

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GIRL FIGHTS

November 21, 2014 | Laura Schoch | Featured, MY 49 FOREVER TOUR

I will never forget the night in 9th grade at Studio 41 (a chic discotheque in Appleton Wisconsin).  There I was in all of my cuteness dancing with some other girls under the huge disco ball to some Bee Gee’s song and along comes Sandie Marciniak.  Apparently she wasn’t too happy that the babe Rob Jergens was talking to me in the hall so she asked if I wanted to meet outside for a fight.  She informed me that she had her brass knuckles.  Well that sounds like a lot of fun Sandie – let me think about it.

Lots going on in my mind…First of all, I don’t know what brass knuckles are but they sound like they might hurt!  Second, I am a cheerleader.  I am wearing kick ass stirrup pants and a new top from the Limited Express that I do not want to get blood on.  And while I may seem like you because I smoke and have a perm and wear lots of  blue eye shadow,  I DO NOT FIGHT!  I realize that I gotta get out of there quickly which was a bummer because a slow song was coming on and I was pretty sure that I would be making out with some hottie with a mullet in a matter of minutes. I stall Sandie and run to the bathroom pay phone to call for a ride.  If we only had texting-  I would have just texted my Mom like my kids do “Mom, I need a ride home NOW!” …  ”MOOOOOOM !  look at your text!”… “where are you?”… “Mom are you almost here?”…”What’s taking so long?”… So about 15 long minutes later my Mom peels into the parking lot in our wood paneled station wagon.  All of the cool smoker guys and Sandie Marcianik look on as I jump in and speed away.

When my paddle tennis obsessed girlfriends talk ad nauseam about the women’s paddle league,  it sounds like a big girl fight masked by what is called the game of “paddle”. I sit through the bitching and yes sometimes tears as they explain this game that they love more than their children.  So as I understand it,  you are ranked into classes according to your fighting skills.  If you don’t like the class you are in, all you have to do is prove that you can beat the shit out of some girls in the better class and you move up – they move down and all of their teammates hate you.  The classes stick together and support each other BUT they also want to be the head of their class soooo they need to watch their backs.  When it’s time to rumble with the other gang, you are further ranked by which fighting ring you are put in.  If you are in ring 1 that’s good.  If you are not then you probably pissed off the ring leader or God forbid the cute young paddle pro who all the married women are fighting over.   What happens in the ring is scary.  Instead of brass knuckles they use wooden paddles and very hard balls.  The goal is to hit the opponent with the ball, preferably in the face, while making them think that you weren’t trying to.  It’s a skill of aim and deceit.  There is also an element of friendly fire where you can knock out your own teammate by “accidentally” hitting them with the wooden paddle assuring your spot in ring 1 the next week.   If you lose, it’s not your fault. It’s either your partner’s fault or the opponents were cheating.  This is a brutal game of mind and sport and most end up injured.  They cry (not because it hurts but because they don’t want to miss next week’s game or worse the rest of season!)

I’ve grown up since the days at the discotheque.  I’m on my 49 forever tour and I’m going to jump into the ring on this one.  I’m no cheerleader and I can handle these bitches.  Under my gloves is a shiny pair of brass knuckles so watch out girls – I was trained by a pro named Sandie Marciniak!

paddleI think my cashmere gloves are a nice touch.  I guess I never had a need for sport gloves – yuck!

CHEERS!

PS – friends – you know I love to hear the stories – who doesn’t love to hear about a good girl fight that doesn’t involve them?

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SURPRISE

October 24, 2014 | Laura Schoch | Featured

I just celebrated my birthday.  This is my 49th year (my 49 forever tour)  - heading toward the big 5-0.  I have some plans for the year which DO NOT include quitting drinking, running a marathon or reading a book – I’ll save those painful things for someday when I’m in jail in solitary confinement and I have absolutely nothing else to do (except for trying to dig my way out)

My husband surprised me with a little dinner – it was a nice surprise.  Usually I don’t like surprises at all because I am a control freak (yes I admit it so those of you who say this behind my back- FYI – I think it’s a good thing so THANK YOU!) Sometimes I even surprise myself which is hard to do.  Well it’s not that hard because when I drunk order things that arrive at my door 3 days later – I’m always surprised because “hmm I don’t remember ordering anything???”  but hey this is so damn cute – even drunk I have good taste!  I asked for a pair of hiking shoes this year and got them.  I was really hoping that they would have gotten cuter over the last 20 years but NOPE they are not which is why I have to check the first thing off of my 49 forever tour – “learn to love hiking”  - can’t – ugly shoes!

Last year for my birthday I asked for something out of Sundance Catalog – yes, it was my first order.  My daughter was laughing her ass off and even my hubbie questioned the fair isle cardigan that I picked out in pastels.  I had a vision.  I don’t see dead people but I do see outfits – I put together outfits in my sleep and then get up and write them down.  I like to have an element of surprise in the way I put things together.
fair isle

SOME SURPRISES IN YOUR CLOSET – and how to update them:

1. Coveted Chanel jacket (or St. John knit will do).  Slap that thing on with a white tee, some kick ass chains and a pair of boyfriend jeans and surprise yourself at how hip you look!
2. Pearls.  I love a strand of pearls with a graphic tee, black blazer, dark skinny jeans and a classic pump.  Granny will be surprised to see you actually wearing your graduation gift!
3. Classic white blouse.  Put in on under a slouchy sweatshirt and leggings to tick up a casual look.
4. Preppy cashmere cardigan.  Great with a long tank & shredded jeans.
5. Embellished evening bag.  I love a great evening bag on an average night out.  You don’t have to save these for a black tie event.
6. Furs.  If you love fur (like I do) – wear them.  Fur can go with anything – even Lulu.
7. Long cashmere coat.  I have a great long black classic cashmere coat that I wore back in the work days.  I started wearing with jeans for everyday and love it.
8. Mix up your hair and makeup.  Do a big red lip and no eye makeup or put your hair in a high bun with a casual outfit.

I know it all seems so CRAZY – have some fun – it’s just fashion – no one will die.

CHEERS!

P.S. Watch for updates on my 49 forever tour – I’ll be keeping you posted on what I’m doing… and the things that I just can’t do for various logical reasons.

 

 

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