Growing up we had a saying in my family “DQ” (dumb question) which meant that the question was so dumb, that you could just say “DQ” instead of trying to actually answer the question. My Mom mostly said this to my Dad because you know husbands with their dumb questions.
After you’ve been married for 25 years, you’d think that some DUMB questions wouldn’t have to be asked over and over and over again. Instead of saying DQ, I’ve actually tried to answer this stupidity…
HIM: “ Why do you have so many clothes/shoes/bags?”
ME: “Well, I don’t have as many as…. I’m really good at purging… I wear all of these things…I haven’t gotten anything new in sooo long… it’s a collection like your beer cans from 7th grade (displayed in our basement)… I’m saving these for Ellie”
HIM: “Why do you need to bring 2 suitcases?” or more cleverly put “ how long are you staying” HAHAHAHAHA good one!
ME: “Well one whole bag is shoes and I’m always cold so I had to bring some wraps…my bags are smaller…I’m not sure what I’m wearing to each thing…I’d rather have what I need so I don’t have to shop and spend more of YOUR money”
HIM: “Why does it take you so long to get ready?”
ME: “Um well I have to dry my hair… and put on make up… and I can’t find my spanx… and this makes me look fat… what I planned to wear isn’t right and neither is anything else in the huge pile on my closet floor …Can you just wait downstairs rather that standing over me telling me to hurry!… Now I’m sweating and have to redo my make up – shit ! … Really? you are in the car honking?”
Then the daily stupid ones “why do you let that stuff bother you”, “ why do you drop their lunch at school – let them starve”, “ how many lip sticks do you need”, “why do you have the AC on the car windows down”, “why are you always cold/hot”, “ why did you say yes if you were just going to complain”, “ why can’t you just tell her that you don’t WANT to go to her party”!
ME FROM NOW ON: Hey DUDE, I’m not a DUDE do you recognize that we are different?
I’m A GIRL…DUMBSHIT!
As you know, I’m ending the 49 forever tour. My 50th is just around the corner and with that I’ve decided to reinvent my website a little bit. Don’t worry, I’m not going to act like a grown up or stop swearing or be nice to people. I’m simply changing the look, adding some pages and some other things that I’m not sure of yet but will be in a month! Stay tuned. I may get one more in before the big day who knows???
Empty Nester – AHHHH. I AM SO GLAD that I do not have to…
drive carpool, or pack a lunch, or drop forgotten homework off at school for the hundredth time, or make 3 dinners due to everyone’s schedules, or drive an hour to a rained out baseball game, or edit a paper at midnight, or wait up for kids out past curfew, or listen to the latest story about so and so and why she’s so mean, or check the soccer website every 30 seconds to see what team they made, or listen to some crappy music, or clean up messy rooms (cars, bathrooms, mudroom, basement) , or wash perfectly clean clothes that they were too lazy to hang up, or remind them… everything, or do flashcards, or play a game that is boring me to tears, or be woken up in the middle of the night with a tummy ache or nightmare, or watch a painfully long dance recital, or take a call from the police (mad teacher, annoying mom, principal) or comb the tangles out of hair, or sit in the ER at odd hours, or wait in the pick up line.
FINALLY I can do all of those IMPORTANT things that I was wanting to do if I hadn’t been busy waiting on my kids 24/7. I’m just sitting here all by myself trying to remember what those important things were. “TERRIBLE FREEDOM” A term that a grief counselor said to my Mom when my Dad passed away. I get it now.
Enjoy every moment… tomorrow the moment will only be a memory.
I love this term “TRY HARDS” – my kids filled me in on this one – “Mom – you know that dude who tries way too hard?” Oh yes I do know that person…
1. THE PUBLIC STRETCHER:
This is the person who is always stretching (in front of everyone) oh I’m in Starbucks – perfect place to stretch my neck -ahhhh. I’m going for a jog – I’ll wait and stretch when I get to the busiest street and then stretch against the stop sign – ahhhh. I’m scooting out for a little golf – I’m going to use my driver as some sort of stretching machine and hold up everyone while I stretch on the first tee. IF YOU MUST STRETCH… WE DON’T NEED TO BE INVOLVED.
2. TAYLOR SWIFT:
I know I’ve mentioned this before and I do like her music but she has got to stop this over the top support for other musicians – there is something weird about it. As if to say oh you poor little lamb Miranda Lambert, I make sooooo much more than you do so I’m just going to sing your songs and over clap and cheer just to show you my more than 100% complete support for your new silly little song!
3. THE COUNTRY CLUB STAFF ASS KISSER:
You know the ones who constantly say the staff’s first name. ”Hey PAUL can we have that $200 dollar bottle of wine…oh and PAUL a glass of water with no ice. PAULIE how about some more bread?” We know you are trying to be equal to your waiter like hey we are buddies right? No Mr. Smith we are not equals. I have to call you Mr. Smith and smile and say yes to every fucking thing you ask for so by letting everyone know that you know my first name and saying it in every single sentence does not make us equals. And P.S. you don’t call your friends by their first names every 2 seconds – you call them dude or buddy or asshole.
4. THE LAWYER:
There is no one more proud than their job than an attorney, RIGHT? If you are in the presence of a lawyer, you know it. WHY? because they tell you within 1 minute (or less). You know you where they went to law school, they did an internship on “the hill” and how SMART they are. (P.S. If you have to tell someone that you are smart…) When they are in any kind of a “situation” they start with, “I’m not dumb, I’m an attorney- I’m sure I said NO FOAM on that latte!” You really don’t need to try that hard – maybe we just like you for you (especially if we are in jail for some reason) I have lots of friends that are attorneys. Clearly I am not talking about you unless you do the above… then I am.
5. THE MATCHY MATCHERTON:
Somehow Summer dressing seems to bring out the matchers. It must be exhausting to try to find things that match! I mean those pinks are just the exact color – and your shoes have the exact green from the piping on your blazer. WOW and an earring and necklace set- super cute! A note to golfers – just because it comes in a set (shirt/sweater/skort) don’t feel obligated to wear all 3 together:)
I want may look to say ” I don’t give a shit but I look cute.”
Some tips for looking stylish but not trying too hard:
2. Wear minimal make up with just a big lip.
3. Wear a colored shoe or bag that matches nothing that you are wearing. Or do both but don’t match the shoe and the bag.
4. Layer necklaces that do not match.
5. Wear oversized clothes – everything does not need to fit perfectly like you are a little barbie Doll. And who cares if someone thinks you are pregnant- maybe they will be nice to you and you can chug a big glass of wine and pull out some smokes just to mess with them.
I always throw a wrap in my bag that does not match anything – blush color or navy I love!
Don’t try too hard! CHEERS!
P.S. You don’t want to look like you don’t give a shit- that’s different.
Geez sorry about that – I started 2 new businesses and got a bit busy ! I’m sure that you are all paralyzed – not knowing what to do about your Summer wardrobe- don’t worry – I’m back just in time- now hopefully we will have some summer weather!
4 things I hate about Summer…1. BIKE RIDERS 2. LILY PULITZER and other such flowery ugliness 3. CROPPED WHITE JEANS 4. People working out in “workout dresses” or those weird “work out skirts”.
I am sure that if you are one of those bikers out riding all around in your matching biking outfit that you are not an offender of the following: Not stopping at stop signs/lights. Not using the simple hand signals that we all learned in 3rd grade indicating which way your biking swarm is going. Riding 5 or 20 across and chatting. Gone are the days that you tell your teens when they leave the house “buckle up” or “drive safely” you just tell them “please, do not hit a biker! ” – seriously, it’s my biggest fear for my kids (besides not making the A team) I did take the time to look up the rules of the road just to make sure that my rant was accurate and I won’t bore you with the details but in brief… “obey all traffic signals” (and it even shows pictures of each to explain them in case you forgot when you got out of your car and got onto your bike), “use hand signals”, “ride single file”. PLEASE don’t e-mail to defend the bikers – we all know it’s true so just own it and follow the rules and no one will hate you/honk at you/spit on you/flip you off or purposely skim the side of your bike (I do regret that last one)
Now that I got that off of my chest… onto more important things than annoying bikers which is Summer Fashion.
MY YES LIST:
Enjoy the summer…I’m going to be better – just had a little catching up to do.
Be sure to check out what I am doing when I am not entertaining you!
For amazing accessories – check out my new online accessory boutique
My favorite anti-aging skin care line named “2014 beast beauty products” by FORBES
Rodan + Fields
CHEERS – Laura