THANKSGIVING

November 26, 2014 | Laura Schoch | Featured

turkey

This is MY FRONT yard.  My husband collects these embarrassing things to fuck with me.  I begged him not to put this out this year.  I bribed him with lots of things (yes that) and also (THAT) – nothing worked.  He is Clark W. Griswold and for better or for worse he is all mine.

The silver lining is that I first started blogging when I was forced to go on the family RV trip to hell.  If you missed me from the beginning, I click the link and be THANKFUL that you did not have to go on this trip.  CLICK HERE FOR TRIP TO HELL and read all of the July posts.

Happy Thanksgiving.  I’m thankful that you keep reading and forwarding on!

Cheers.

P.S. I’m hosting 35 for Thanksgiving dinner.  Some great potential blogs could be brewing especially if a certain someone shows up in their CROCS!

 

 

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GIRL FIGHTS

November 21, 2014 | Laura Schoch | Featured, MY 49 FOREVER TOUR

I will never forget the night in 9th grade at Studio 41 (a chic discotheque in Appleton Wisconsin).  There I was in all of my cuteness dancing with some other girls under the huge disco ball to some Bee Gee’s song and along comes Sandie Marciniak.  Apparently she wasn’t too happy that the babe Rob Jergens was talking to me in the hall so she asked if I wanted to meet outside for a fight.  She informed me that she had her brass knuckles.  Well that sounds like a lot of fun Sandie – let me think about it.

Lots going on in my mind…First of all, I don’t know what brass knuckles are but they sound like they might hurt!  Second, I am a cheerleader.  I am wearing kick ass stirrup pants and a new top from the Limited Express that I do not want to get blood on.  And while I may seem like you because I smoke and have a perm and wear lots of  blue eye shadow,  I DO NOT FIGHT!  I realize that I gotta get out of there quickly which was a bummer because a slow song was coming on and I was pretty sure that I would be making out with some hottie with a mullet in a matter of minutes. I stall Sandie and run to the bathroom pay phone to call for a ride.  If we only had texting-  I would have just texted my Mom like my kids do “Mom, I need a ride home NOW!” …  ”MOOOOOOM !  look at your text!”… “where are you?”… “Mom are you almost here?”…”What’s taking so long?”… So about 15 long minutes later my Mom peels into the parking lot in our wood paneled station wagon.  All of the cool smoker guys and Sandie Marcianik look on as I jump in and speed away.

When my paddle tennis obsessed girlfriends talk ad nauseam about the women’s paddle league,  it sounds like a big girl fight masked by what is called the game of “paddle”. I sit through the bitching and yes sometimes tears as they explain this game that they love more than their children.  So as I understand it,  you are ranked into classes according to your fighting skills.  If you don’t like the class you are in, all you have to do is prove that you can beat the shit out of some girls in the better class and you move up – they move down and all of their teammates hate you.  The classes stick together and support each other BUT they also want to be the head of their class soooo they need to watch their backs.  When it’s time to rumble with the other gang, you are further ranked by which fighting ring you are put in.  If you are in ring 1 that’s good.  If you are not then you probably pissed off the ring leader or God forbid the cute young paddle pro who all the married women are fighting over.   What happens in the ring is scary.  Instead of brass knuckles they use wooden paddles and very hard balls.  The goal is to hit the opponent with the ball, preferably in the face, while making them think that you weren’t trying to.  It’s a skill of aim and deceit.  There is also an element of friendly fire where you can knock out your own teammate by “accidentally” hitting them with the wooden paddle assuring your spot in ring 1 the next week.   If you lose, it’s not your fault. It’s either your partner’s fault or the opponents were cheating.  This is a brutal game of mind and sport and most end up injured.  They cry (not because it hurts but because they don’t want to miss next week’s game or worse the rest of season!)

I’ve grown up since the days at the discotheque.  I’m on my 49 forever tour and I’m going to jump into the ring on this one.  I’m no cheerleader and I can handle these bitches.  Under my gloves is a shiny pair of brass knuckles so watch out girls – I was trained by a pro named Sandie Marciniak!

paddleI think my cashmere gloves are a nice touch.  I guess I never had a need for sport gloves – yuck!

CHEERS!

PS – friends – you know I love to hear the stories – who doesn’t love to hear about a good girl fight that doesn’t involve them?

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SURPRISE

October 24, 2014 | Laura Schoch | Featured

I just celebrated my birthday.  This is my 49th year (my 49 forever tour)  - heading toward the big 5-0.  I have some plans for the year which DO NOT include quitting drinking, running a marathon or reading a book – I’ll save those painful things for someday when I’m in jail in solitary confinement and I have absolutely nothing else to do (except for trying to dig my way out)

My husband surprised me with a little dinner – it was a nice surprise.  Usually I don’t like surprises at all because I am a control freak (yes I admit it so those of you who say this behind my back- FYI – I think it’s a good thing so THANK YOU!) Sometimes I even surprise myself which is hard to do.  Well it’s not that hard because when I drunk order things that arrive at my door 3 days later – I’m always surprised because “hmm I don’t remember ordering anything???”  but hey this is so damn cute – even drunk I have good taste!  I asked for a pair of hiking shoes this year and got them.  I was really hoping that they would have gotten cuter over the last 20 years but NOPE they are not which is why I have to check the first thing off of my 49 forever tour – “learn to love hiking”  - can’t – ugly shoes!

Last year for my birthday I asked for something out of Sundance Catalog – yes, it was my first order.  My daughter was laughing her ass off and even my hubbie questioned the fair isle cardigan that I picked out in pastels.  I had a vision.  I don’t see dead people but I do see outfits – I put together outfits in my sleep and then get up and write them down.  I like to have an element of surprise in the way I put things together.
fair isle

SOME SURPRISES IN YOUR CLOSET – and how to update them:

1. Coveted Chanel jacket (or St. John knit will do).  Slap that thing on with a white tee, some kick ass chains and a pair of boyfriend jeans and surprise yourself at how hip you look!
2. Pearls.  I love a strand of pearls with a graphic tee, black blazer, dark skinny jeans and a classic pump.  Granny will be surprised to see you actually wearing your graduation gift!
3. Classic white blouse.  Put in on under a slouchy sweatshirt and leggings to tick up a casual look.
4. Preppy cashmere cardigan.  Great with a long tank & shredded jeans.
5. Embellished evening bag.  I love a great evening bag on an average night out.  You don’t have to save these for a black tie event.
6. Furs.  If you love fur (like I do) – wear them.  Fur can go with anything – even Lulu.
7. Long cashmere coat.  I have a great long black classic cashmere coat that I wore back in the work days.  I started wearing with jeans for everyday and love it.
8. Mix up your hair and makeup.  Do a big red lip and no eye makeup or put your hair in a high bun with a casual outfit.

I know it all seems so CRAZY – have some fun – it’s just fashion – no one will die.

CHEERS!

P.S. Watch for updates on my 49 forever tour – I’ll be keeping you posted on what I’m doing… and the things that I just can’t do for various logical reasons.

 

 

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MY FALL

October 13, 2014 | Laura Schoch | Featured

“I have something to tell you”  Whenever someone says that it brings back a horrible memory.  I was 25 living in the city and I had a HOT doctor who was probably 30 but I didn’t mind because he was GAY.  I mean he never said that he was but I have amazing GAYDAR and my antennas were up on this one.  So I felt perfectly comfortable telling him embarrassing medical things and letting him push on my intestines telling me that they were “full”.

So I’m in for a routine physical and here it comes, “I have something to tell you”. Jesus that is the last thing you want to hear from your doctor but he was smiling so I realized – oh, he is going to tell me that he is Gay. Really? you don’t need to tell me but go ahead it’s fine.  He continues,  ”I’m engaged!” Oh, I was not expecting that. I’m hoping to a guy??? Nope not a guy, a hot girl and I’m sure he told her about me…my full intestines and my panic attacks and oh God he did a pap smear – AWKWARD (for a 25 year old) and that was the last time I went to that doctor!

Anyway… I have something to tell you and I am pretty sure this is going to be a big surprise.  I HAVE TOO MANY CLOTHES.   Yes I am coming out of the closet (closetS as in multiple if I’m being very honest) after cleaning them out today and it’s true – way too much.  (I can actually hear my husband’s tears rolling down his face right now).  I think this is why I’m not that intrigued by fall fashion… what could they possibly come up with that I don’t already have?

So this fall I’m going to scoop up some investment pieces (don’t worry honey they are investments and the ROI for you will be good – trust me) Jewelry, bags and shoes.  Plus I’m going to get some great trends that I love.  Here is my list of must haves for fall:

CHUNKY KNITS – Banjo and Matilda cashmere – I’m obsessed
chunky knot

PLAID – Equipment blouses are the best
equipment

GEOMETRIC – Diane Von Furstenberg – who else?
dvf

HEAVY METAL – Gucci – the perfect pump with a bit of bling
gucci rev

FUR and LEATHER – hate to toot my own horn but…
my business Mountain Hides – amazing furs and leather – check out our Urban Pop Up

urban pop up

 

Cheers to Fall!

 

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