TRY HARDS

July 18, 2015 | Laura Schoch | Featured

I love this term “TRY HARDS” – my kids filled me in on this one – “Mom – you know that dude who tries way too hard?”  Oh yes I do know that person…

1. THE PUBLIC STRETCHER:
This is the person who is always stretching (in front of everyone)  oh I’m in Starbucks – perfect place to stretch my neck -ahhhh.  I’m going for a jog – I’ll wait and stretch when I get to the busiest street and then stretch against the stop sign – ahhhh.  I’m scooting out for a little golf – I’m going to use my driver as some sort of stretching machine and hold up everyone while I stretch on the first tee.  IF YOU MUST STRETCH…  WE DON’T NEED TO BE INVOLVED.

2. TAYLOR SWIFT:
I know I’ve mentioned this before and I do like her music but she has got to stop this over the top support for other musicians – there is something weird about it.  As if to say oh you poor little lamb Miranda Lambert, I make sooooo much more than you do so I’m just going to sing your songs and over clap and cheer just to show you my more than 100% complete support for your new silly little song!

3. THE COUNTRY CLUB STAFF ASS KISSER:
You know the ones who constantly say the staff’s first name.  ”Hey PAUL can we have that $200 dollar bottle of wine…oh and PAUL a glass of water with no ice. PAULIE how about some more bread?” We know you are trying to be equal to your waiter like hey we are buddies right?  No Mr. Smith we are not equals.  I have to call you Mr. Smith and smile and say yes to every fucking thing you ask for so by letting everyone know that you know my first name and saying it in every single sentence does not make us equals.  And P.S. you don’t call your friends by their first names every 2 seconds – you call them dude or buddy or asshole.

4. THE LAWYER:
There is no one more proud than their job than an attorney, RIGHT?  If you are in the presence of a lawyer, you know it. WHY? because they tell you within 1 minute (or less).  You know you where they went to law school, they did an internship on “the hill” and how SMART they are. (P.S. If you have to tell someone that you are smart…)  When they are in any kind of a “situation” they start with, “I’m not dumb, I’m an attorney- I’m sure I said NO FOAM on that latte!”  You really don’t need to try that hard – maybe we just like you for you (especially if we are in jail for some reason)  I have lots of friends that are attorneys.  Clearly I am not talking about you unless you do the above… then I am.

5. THE MATCHY MATCHERTON:
Somehow Summer dressing seems to bring out the matchers.  It must be exhausting to try to find things that match!  I mean those pinks are just the exact color – and your shoes have the exact green from the piping on your blazer.  WOW and an earring and necklace set- super cute! A note to golfers – just because it comes in a set (shirt/sweater/skort) don’t feel obligated to wear all 3 together:)

I want may look to say ” I don’t give a shit but I look cute.”

Some tips for looking stylish but not trying too hard:

1. Let you hair go.  Just be crazy and let it air dry – who cares? Or put it in a sloppy bun.
messy hair

 2. Wear minimal make up with just a big lip.

red lip

 3. Wear a colored shoe or bag that matches nothing that you are wearing.  Or do both but don’t match the shoe and the bag.

mila

4. Layer necklaces that do not match.

layered necklaces

5. Wear oversized clothes – everything does not need to fit perfectly like you are a little barbie Doll.  And who cares if someone thinks you are pregnant- maybe they will be nice to you and you can chug a big glass of wine and pull out some smokes just to mess with them.oversized

6. Layer shades of grays, browns, blues, whites – they don’t “match” but they “go”
layering

I always throw a wrap in my bag that does not match anything – blush color or navy I love!

Don’t try too hard!  CHEERS!

Laura 

P.S. You don’t want to look like you don’t give a shit- that’s different.


 

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I’M BAAAAAACK!

July 7, 2015 | Laura Schoch | Featured

Geez sorry about that – I started 2 new businesses and got a bit busy !  I’m sure that you are all paralyzed – not knowing what to do about your Summer wardrobe- don’t worry – I’m back just in time- now hopefully we will have some summer weather!

4 things I hate about Summer…1. BIKE RIDERS 2. LILY PULITZER and other such flowery ugliness 3. CROPPED WHITE JEANS 4. People working out in “workout dresses” or those weird “work out skirts”.

I am sure that if you are one of those bikers out riding all around in your matching biking outfit that you are not an offender of the following:  Not stopping at stop signs/lights.  Not using the simple hand signals that we all learned in 3rd grade indicating which way your biking swarm is going.  Riding 5 or 20 across and chatting. Gone are the days that you tell your teens when they leave the house “buckle up” or “drive safely”  you just tell them “please, do not hit a biker! ” – seriously, it’s my biggest fear for my kids (besides not making the A team) I did take the time to look up the rules of the road just to make sure that my rant was accurate and I won’t bore you with the details but in brief… “obey all traffic signals” (and it even shows pictures of each to explain them in case you forgot when you got out of your car and got onto your bike),   “use hand signals”, “ride single file”.  PLEASE don’t e-mail to defend the bikers – we all know it’s true so just own it and follow the rules and no one will hate you/honk at you/spit on you/flip you off or purposely skim the side of your bike (I do regret that last one)

Now that I got that off of my chest… onto more important things than annoying bikers which is Summer Fashion.

SOME TRENDS TO AVOID:

Culottes-9 CULOTTES
similar to cropped pans just way uglier

ginghamGINGHAM
tablecloth? Maybe, outfit – NO!

one shoulderONE SHOULDER
don’t know who slipped that one in AGAIN this year – over it!

MY YES LIST:

denim skirt SKIRTS
This year you can find some cute skirts!  For years there just haven’t been any.

whiteALL WHITE
always a favorite – until momma breaks out the red wine!

shirt dressTHE SHIRT DRESS
easy, sophisticated and girly

blue and whiteBLUE AND WHITE
Black and white too.  Just careful not to look like a referee.

wedgeWEDGE SANDAL
I hate to admit it but I love a high heel but it needs to be “comfortable” (a word I hate)

Enjoy the summer…I’m going to be better – just had a little catching up to do.
Be sure to check out what I am doing when I am not entertaining you!

For amazing accessories – check out my new online accessory boutique
JL Adornment
jl logo cropped

My favorite anti-aging skin care line named “2014 beast beauty products” by FORBES
Rodan + Fields

Products_4

CHEERS – Laura

 

 

 

 

 

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IT’s A MIRACLE!

March 6, 2015 | Laura Schoch | Featured

I’m not a big believer in many things.  Certainly not things that try to trick you into using their products – all of these disgusting shake diets – they don’t work. What really happens is that they taste so bad they you don’t want to drink them so you starve yourself – that’s not really losing weight.  The lotions that tone your cellulite. Cellulite can not be toned (trust me) but it can be tanned and it looks way better – so spray tan that fat!  And then there are those who think they will lose weight by exercising multiple times per day.  Well if that’s true then all the freak shows in my town who work out 2 times a day would weigh zero pounds right?

I started using Rodan and Fields skin care to get rid of my sun spots and tighten my skin. The reason I decided to try the REVERSE REGIMEN was because there was no risk, I could return the products after 60 days EMPTY if I was not satisfied.  That’s what I thought I’d do because I had tried everything and nothing worked and I’m not a believer.  BUT after 60 days the results were so great that instead of returning it, I decided to become a consultant!

before and after laura
Rodan and Fields just launched a new product called Acute Care.  The slogan is fill a wrinkle while you sleep and I wanted to see if that really worked.   You are supposed to use it for 2 weeks and the results last for 12 weeks but it says fill a wrinkle while you sleep.  So, I put them on and went to sleep.  Here are the real results after ONE USE.  Trust me if these pics were edited, I would have edited out my peach fuzz!

acute care smile acute care eye

The Acute Care Patches
use for 2 weeks and get 12 weeks of results
click here to order

acute_care

ANOTHER FAVORITE!
The Macro Exfoliator at home microdermabrasion tool – AWESOME!
click here to order

macro

UNSURE – but want to look younger?
If you are unsure what you want or need, just go to my online solution tool and we will make a recommendation for you!
click here to go to the solutions tool

solution-tool

Notes:
1. At checkout – you need to sign up to be a PC (preferred customer to get the 10% off, the free shipping and the FREE special gift from me:)
2. You can return empty products after 60 days for a full refund

 I KNOW YOU WILL LOVE IT!
GREAT GIRL’S GIFT too – don’t forget your pals.
Cheers – Laura

E-mail me if you have any questions OR if you are interested in joining my team - I am always looking for great people around the country . lpschoch@gmail.com

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SOME NOT SO FUN THINGS

March 3, 2015 | Laura Schoch | Featured, MY 49 FOREVER TOUR

I am committed to making my 49th year funner.  I mean I already have a lot of fun but this year is going to be more than just my normal daily fun.   I probably have more fun than someone should at my old age, but that’s okay. When I die, I will be able to say, I SAID YES, I HAD FUN.  I refuse to let my numeric age get in the way of fun but there is that one thing that really puts a damper on your fun and that’s the obligatory COLONOSCOPY.  Yup that’s what I did today.  The whole experience is just the antithesis of FUN.

STEP 1: The day before
The lead in to this thing is just awful.  You know whats coming, you know what’s coming out – although I think you may be quite surprised.  It’s like a bomb waiting to explode – literally! Worse yet,  you can’t eat or drink alcohol the WHOLE day before.  Oh, I’m sorry you can have any kind of Jello that is not red, orange or purple which leaves… lemon lime – well that sounds good – the old lemon lime jello – best seller.  I’m convinced that Jello went to the docs and said “hey, no one likes lemon lime jello.  Can you please tell your patients that it’s the only kind that they can have.  We will give you a year supply of Jello if you do.”

STEP 2: The PREP
When you have a big glass of wine… you know that when you are done, you are going to feel really good and even better after the whole bottle. With this horrific tasting potion, you are drinking it knowing that you are going to be in hell when you are done – not a lot of incentive.   Here is a picture of it.

drink

Okay, let me get this straight.  We are sending a group of people to MARS (the planet) to set up a colony and they haven’t figured out a way to make a pill that cleans out your colon? I mean there is a pill that gives you an erection for 4 hours – REALLY? It can’t be that difficult.  Just an idea to any starving scientists out there – start working on this – SHARK TANK would eat it up!

STEP 3: Let’s Skip That Part
I’m pretty sure we all get the picture that what goes IN must come OUT.

STEP 4: The Procedure
Just awkward starting with the waiting room… “Hey what did you do last night?”  ”Well I was up shitting my brains out.. and You?”  Then off to meet the doctor who you kind of look at and go… hmm so you went to medical school and you could have been any number of doctor types – radiologist, derm or plastic surgeon and you choose this?  why? are you mentally stable? and are you going to laugh at my ass?  Then, the heavens open and  your dear, dear friend the anesthesiologist shows up and all is good and all is FUN again!

So my 49 forever continues – I know that I will have more fun to share in the coming months (and years… when I say forever, I mean it.)

CHEERS!

PS:
My favorite FUN story…  My college friend in an interview after grad school with a bitchy woman – the kind with a big corporate chip on her shoulder:
BITCH: ” So I see you did very well in graduate school but I’m concerned about your grades in undergrad.  What happened there?”
FRIEND: ” Well I had a lot of FUN in undergrad”
BITCH: ” HMMM, I had a lot of fun in undergrad too, but I still got good grades”
FRIEND: “Yeah, well I’m pretty sure I had more FUN”

HAVE MORE FUN

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