SUMMER SIDEWALK SALES

July 21, 2014 | Laura Schoch | Featured

Tis’ the season for Summer Sidewalk Sales!  Also known as “My Weekend In Hell” when I owned my boutique. It’s a garage sale on steroids bringing out the worst merchandise and the worst people.  The DEMANDAS with their dumb questions… “do you have any other sizes, colors?”  REALLY?  I have no idea – go look in that giant pile stuff on the sidewalk and see for yourself.  And then comes making a decision.. “Does this look good?  Is it too big?  What do I wear this with”  Um, it’s $10 – I’m making a NEGATIVE $50 on this thing so you don’t get my opinion. And don’t get me started on the the hagglers…

If you follow my blog you will know that I’m not a big sale shopper.  I’m the one that AVOIDS Neiman’s Last Call – I actually got an e-mail when I was in Neiman’s saying – “mid-day sale starts now” – I left!  Primarily because it’s messy and I buy stuff that I don’t need or like.  Here is the dress that I bought ON SALE last summer.  It’s Diane von Furstenberg who I love so what the heck – I’ll bet I can make it cuter if I have 4 inches taken off the bottom – make it like a preppy slutty mini dress.  photo-93

Okay so it’s cute but it’s just so not me.  It hangs in my closet and my other clothes are actually making fun of it! My Harley Davidson tee and shredded jeans won’t even look at it!  So it’s a rescue dress – please save it!  It’s a size 4, gets along well with kids, looking for a good home… e-mail me, you can have it!

If you want to take advantage of a good sale, it’s the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale – going on now in store and online.  If you can get your act together for what your kids need for school, it’s a great time to get some of those staples checked off.  Or those things that you know you need for fall.  Not everything is on the up and up – they do bring in some No Name lines and I can assure you they are getting a HUGE mark up on them even though they are on sale.  So, stick to name brands that you were going to buy anyway at full price.

The only weird thing about the Nordstrom sale is that they tent off (literally) areas that are for their exclusive shoppers and they only let you in if you are something special.  Whatever! Just because I don’t use your Nordstrom credit card doesn’t mean that I don’t spend a fuck load of money here every year so don’t let me in – I don’t care – I’m claustrophobic anyway!

Happy Sale Shopping!

CHEERS

 

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“IN STYLE”… REALLY?

July 10, 2014 | Laura Schoch | Featured

 

I’m pretty sure that if your magazine is called IN STYLE – it should be right?  Clearly the editor gave a summer intern a bit too much slack with their “wear now, wear later” items (YIKES – I don’t think she will be getting the paying job after this one!) I typically go through fashion rags and clip and rip out looks that I love and things that inspire me.  These inspired me to LAUGH out loud.  If you are looking for some fall fashion items to wear now and into fall – THESE ARE NOT THEM. I can assure you that these looks are not IN STYLE or if by some chance they are, still do not do this because really FUGLY!

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Not only are the pieces bad – they are styled with an odd selection of accessories that do not work at all!

Enjoy your summer dresses and flip flops – we will worry about fall later.

CHEERS

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY USA!

July 2, 2014 | Laura Schoch | Featured

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Happy Birthday USA and sorry about that soccer thing- wow bad timing on that one huh?!  I love celebrating (anything) but especially birthdays.  However, I find that putting together a birthday party with “grown” women is a fucking nightmare for a few reasons.

SCHEDULING   –   so let me get this straight, you can’t celebrate your friend’s birthday because you have “CARPOOL”…  Really?  A few thoughts come to me right after “how dumb are you?” and they are: 1. switch with someone, 2. hire a babysitter for 1 hour or 3.  realize that you kid is not going to be a professional soccer player and quit now!
THE GROUP GIFT   – some people always get stuck thinking of the gift, buying the gift, wrapping the gift and collecting the money (from some).  Some people never pay and coincidently, it’s the same people every time- RUDE!  Yes, it’s only $20 but that still sucks for the person doing all the work!  These non-payers always say things like “I’m sure I owe you money”  well if you are so sure then pay up and pay attention to details- UGH!
THE LAST MINUTE CHANGES / EXCUSES / LOGISTICS - just like everything with groups of women – how many phone calls do we have to have regarding this outing?  We’re meeting for Susie Q’s birthday on the 5th at 7 at our favorite local spot.  SEE YOU THERE!!! I’ve done everything all you have to do is get yourself there and bring me $20 – why do we need to have 10 calls about this?  Oh, now YOU have last minute carpool so you can’t come….

OKAY – so what are you wearing for the fourth of July festivities?  DO NOT GO BUY SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE A FLAG ON A SHIRT!  Dig around in your closet and put something together… I did and I have some options: stripes, a festive bag, blue nails, a red cap, chambray shirt, red sundress

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CHEERS TO BIRTHDAYS – let’s celebrate!

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REALITY BITES

June 17, 2014 | Laura Schoch | Featured

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I’ll never forget watching The Jerry Springer Show when I was home sick from work  (hungover) and I kid you not the title of the show was “who is your Daddy?”.  They’d bring man after man on the show to try (via DNA testing) to prove who the father of this woman’s  baby was. One after another they passed the paternity test (to her surprise).  She literally had NO CLUE who the father was. TPT (Trailer Park Trash) at it’s best.  Well I hate to tell you but that’s basically all there is on TV now.  I’m not going to get all involved with what should be on TV because I don’t care (for the love of God, I found myself hooked on the Walking Dead for a few weeks).

I do want to break down some of the more popular REALITY SHOWS just because I love making fun of dumb fucking people making obscene amounts of money!

KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS:  Who?  Why do I know so much about these oddballs – who are they and where did they come from?? And if I am going to keep up with them – I’d better start packing some junk in my trunk!  Bruce Jenner was once an Olympian – now he dresses like a woman ( seriously google him!)  I think all of their names sound alike and star with a K – so cute KK:) And now there is Kim and Kanye another KK:) who call themselves “FASHION ICONS” Um, I don’t think so.  I do know one thing about this family… Kim’s voice makes me want to jump out of a window.

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES of ……..:  Embarrassing.  I do however like the day drinking and all of the parties (although maybe that’s why they are always getting into fights?)  Notice the husbands in these shows – LAME – wouldn’t you think that would just want to crawl under a rock and hide from the madness?   From what I can tell, most of their fights are about who didn’t get invited to a dinner.  I’m going to start a reality show called The Real Housewives Who Play Paddle/Tennis -now that would be interesting – at least they have something to fight about, “I mean, can you even believe that she is trying to challenge her?  and she purposely hit her with a ball!”  Bring it on bitch!

TORI SPELLING: Pathetic.  Sorry that your Mom disowned you and you are a terrible actress so you need to do something to make back the millions that you were “robbed of”. Your husband cheated on his wife with YOU so why are you so surprised that he cheats on you?  Oh yeah, because you are so dumb.  And then, you throw your 6 year old a $6,000 birthday party (despite your financial problems) Oh yeah, so dumb AND fucking stupid.  What your daughter really wants is for Mommy to get her surgically enhanced bod out of bed, quit crying goopy mascara tears(Tammy Faye) and play a fucking game with her.

DANCE MOMS:  Mean.  By the way, if you are going to teach little girls to DANCE, maybe you should be able to hoist your fat ass out a chair to show them some moves.  To the Moms that subject their little girls to that woman, SAVE YOUR (daughter’s) MONEY, you will need  it for their therapy when they run away from home and join the circus.

THE BACHELOR/ETTE: Surprising.  I’m shocked at how many normal(ish) people like this show.  Do you really think it’s okay that a guy is crying because he didn’t get a rose after the FIRST SHOW?  ”I really thought we could have something special”  WHY?  She only talked to you for 3 minutes what made you think that?  And, by the way, why can’t you just find a wife on your own?  What’s wrong with you? Are you a HUGE loser who tells women that “you think you can have something special” after the first date?

Reality shows – like road kill – gotta look. Here are some that I think are better than others. I have no idea what channel they are on or what time or if they are even on anymore.  Some seem to be on for like a whole day back to back – do they have seasons or just randomly start showing them?  I don’t know but they are:

Duck Dynasty
Say Yes to the Dress
Shark Tank
Restaurant Impossible

And then there are the other shows like a game show/talent show/ reality show all in one American Ninja Warrior (I can do that!).  I love the Voice because I love (ed) ADAM until the blonde hair incident. I also enjoy The Biggest Loser it makes me cry:(

CHEERS!
GET REAL

P.S. The host of The Biggest Loser is SAMMIE from Days of our Lives.  Now that I work from home, I have the TV going and can hear it from my office.  FYI at 11 – Days of our LIVES comes on and if you have not tuned in since college (like I hadn’t) GUESS WHAT?  Nothing has changed!  It’s the same people (most were dead and came back to life) going back and forth from the hospital, to the altar, to the bedroom, to the pub and always to the police station and to jail – NOW THAT’S REALITY!

 

 

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